SONA Translation

(This article is an edited and consolidated version of two articles I wrote for my column in The News Today.)

“You come around every now and then
Your clothes are different but youre still the same
Why else would you come here?
Scumbag on a mission”
- from “Scumbag” by Green Day

Here are some quotes from the recent State of the Nation Address (SONA) of Philippine President Gloria Arroyo and my version of what she really meant. This is an attempt to translate the SONA and unmask its real meaning.

“Tapos na ang halalan at pamumulitika; panahon na para maglingkod nang walang damot, mamuno nang walang pangamba maliban sa kagalingan ng bayan, and to govern with wisdom, compassion, vision and patriotism. “

Translation: Indeed this recent election proved that Filipinos do not really like me much but always remember that I still hold the purse, ok? Tsk tsk if only I wasn’t caught talking with Garci… But anyway, you politicians should now play my game and follow my wishes. And as I have been doing before, your support will always be rewarded. Simply close your eyes and cover your ears, just always say yes to me and I will keep feeding you.

“Hangarin kong mapabilang ang Pilipinas sa mayayamang bansa sa loob ng dalawampung taon. By then poverty shall have been marginalized; and the marginalized raised to a robust middle class.”

Translation: I actually plan to stay in office for 20 more years if that would be fine with you. I promise you, in 20 years we will all be rich, but not as rich as Jose Pidal. Remember how I licked the problem of classroom shortage? All I did was simply manipulate the student to classroom ratio and instantly the problem disappeared. That is how I plan to solve poverty. I’m an economist remember, I know numbers.

“We will have achieved the hallmarks of a modern society, where institutions are strong.”

Translation: Look at how we make our state very strong. Now, anybody opposing me can very well end up with a bullet in the head or disappear into thin air. Warning to critical journalists and activists.

“With the tax reforms of the last Congress, and I thanked the last Congress, we have turned around our macroeconomic condition through fiscal discipline, toward a balanced budget. Binabayaran ang utang, pababa ang interes, at paakyat ang pondo para sa progreso ng sambayanang Pilipino!!!”

Translation: Wow, I am enjoying this! This macroeconomics is really fun! Look, I even borrowed more money than the total borrowings under Cory, Ramos and Erap! And of course, because I borrowed a lot, we were able to pay more of our old debts. Needless to say we have a lot of new debts, hehehe. But why do I care, it’s your tax money that will be used to pay for it anyway.

“First, investments in physical, intellectual, legal and security infrastructure to increase business confidence. Imprastraktura para sa negosyo at trabaho. Isang milyong trabaho taon-taon.”

Translation: As in my previous SONAs, I promised millions of jobs annually. And I am proud to say that yes I have achieved all those targets! In fact by simply paying lip service to the country’s economic needs, our government is forcing, este…causing… millions upon millions of Filipinos to be employed annually… outside of the country however, hehehe. But still you have to credit me for that, for if there are jobs here in our country, then only a few Filipinos will be able to see America or Canada.

“Second, investments in a stronger and wider social safety net - murang gamot, abot-kayang pabahay, eskwelang primera klase, mga gurong mas magaling at mas malaki ang kita, mga librong de-kalidad, more scholarships for gifted students, and language instruction to maintain our lead in English proficiency. Dunong at kalusugan ang susi sa kasaganaan.”

Translation: Health and education, that’s my priority. That is why for 2007 we budgeted P146B for education and P13B for heath care. Just don’t look at my allocation for debt servicing which, by the way, will amount to P622B. Don’t tell anybody ok? Just believe me when I say that health and education are my priorities.

“Third, investments in bringing peace to Mindanao; in crushing terrorism wherever it threatens regardless of ideology; and in putting a stop to human rights abuses whatever the excuse.”

Translation: We will crush those activists and journalists who have nothing good to do or say especially now that we have the Human Security Act. However, don’t believe those who say that my government or the military is responsible for their disappearance and assassination, ok? Or else I will have you picked up for interrogation.

“…And I am happy to see that the latest survey in June shows the hunger rate has sharply gone down nationwide. We have done that.”

Translation: I told you so, because of my expertise in economics I sure can make sense of statistics. The SWS survey said that from an all-time high of 19%, those who experience having nothing to eat at least once in a quarter went down to 14.7% in June. But as always I would not mention numbers that will contradict my “achievements”. For example, I did not say that the average for the last 37 quarters is 11.6%! So hunger actually increased under my administration. Hahaha, I am so talented!

“Para sa buong bansa naglaan tayo ng P3 billion para sa tatlong libong kilometro ng farm to market roads. Sanlibong kilometro sa Mindanao. Gawa na ang tatlong daan.”

Translation: Yes, that is a total of P3 billion: P1 billion for the roads, P1 billion for the local politicians and of course P1 billion for me! Hehe, it is really hard to be a president so I deserve it, right?

“I ask Congress to amend the Electric Power Industry Reform Act (EPIRA) for open access and more competition.”

Translation: You know, I hate to admit it but EPIRA is a big failure. I was the one who really lobbied for that law to be passed. I said before that EPIRA will lower power rates and will result to better service to consumers. Contrary to that however, our power rates are so high now! Salamat na lang and you are the ones paying for my power bill in Malacañang! Thanks ha…

“The Philippines ranks among top off-shoring hubs in the world because of cost competitiveness and more importantly our highly trainable, English proficient, IT-enabled management and manpower.”

Translation: We are encouraging our youth to learn English. It’s ok if you’re head is empty as long as you speak English with an American accent, di ba sosyal pakinggan! And because our minimum wage is cheap, so cheap that it’s far below the living wage, we can corner these foreign corporations to set up call centers here!

“This year, we are investing more for education: P150 billion, P29 billion more than last year.”

Translation: This is the fun part in dishing out big budgetary figures. Nobody will be able to know what part will go to which. Actually, just like our annual allocation for the education sector, more than 90% of the P150 billion will simply go to salaries of personnel and for the operating expenses of the Department of Education. So there is actually negligible budget for new schools, learning facilities and programs that will improve quality education. But don’t try to understand that non-sense, just believe me when I say that education will receive higher budget, ok?

“Kaya sa isang survey, halos kalahati ang nagsabing abot-kaya ang gamot, kumpara sa 11% noong 1999.”

Translation: Yup! I was so excited in conducting the survey myself. Imagine I went door-to-door to conduct my survey. First I went to the beautiful subdivisions in Ayala-Alabang and then the other half of my time I interviewed the squatters in Tondo. And yes, 50% of my respondents said that our medicines are “abot-kaya”! Isn’t that nice?!

“Si Noli de Castro na isa pang kampeon ng senior citizens ay namumuno ng ating programa sa pabahay. Congratulations, Noli. The low interest rates for housing are unprecedented. Naglaan ang Pag-IBIG ng P25 billion na pautang, six times the amount when we started it in 2001. P50 billion pa ang ilalaan hanggang 2010.”

Translation: We have all these nice housing loan programs in place and also low interest rates. So if you earn more than P20,000 a month for sure you can afford these programs. Hmm, I know I failed to mention that most cannot actually afford these programs especially those who are unemployed whose numbers continue to grow every year. And of course if you are earning our meager minimum wage don’t bother applying for a housing loan – that will just be a waste of time.

“Therefore, in the fight against lawless violence, we must uphold these values. It is never right and always wrong to fight terror with terror.”

Translation: But do not call the disappearance of critical journalists and assassination of activists as acts of terrorism. Maybe there is a curse against those who are critical of my government. I promise I have nothing to do with that. Don’t worry, I will ask congress to pass a law to break the curse while I continue hunting down those leftists, rather, those terrorists.

“Together with economic prosperity is the need to strengthen our institutions of government. Let's start with election reform. We have long provided funds for computerization. We look forward to the modernization of voting, counting and canvassing.”

Translation: Indeed, we need a new way to count our ballots. In the last election the opposition was able to beat my candidates because I was not able to call Garci. Tsk, tsk, now people know my modus operandi. Maybe next time, with these new counting machines I can easily ask my “friends” in the Comelec to do some magic! ;-)

“We must weed out corruption and build a strong system of justice that the people can trust. We have provided unprecedented billions for antigraft efforts. Thus the Ombudsman's conviction rate hit 77% this year, from 6% in 2002. We implemented lifestyle checks, dormant for half a century. Taun-taon dose-dosenang opisyal ang nasususpinde, napapatalsik o kinakasuhan dahil labis-labis sa suweldo ang gastos at ari-arian nila.”

Translation: That’s right, we will punish those corrupt officials! But only those who are against me, of course. And for those who support me its ok, they deserve extra allowance like Joc-joc Bolante who made good use of taxpayers’ money to buy votes, este, fertilizer I mean.

“What I have outlined today is just a sampler of our P1.7 trillion Medium Term Public Investment Program. How will we fund all these? P1 trillion from state revenues, with tax reforms and firm orders to BIR and Customs to hit their targets. P300 billion from state corporations. The balance from government financial institutions, private sector investments, local government equity and our bilateral and multilateral partners.”

Translation: It is really difficult to tax the rich through their corporations because they are so intelligent and creative in preparing their tax returns. Not to mention they are my friends. So I simply reformed and expanded the VAT so that I could easily tax you, and millions of ordinary workers like you. Never mind the rich, they are only a few anyway. And if our collection is short, I can simply get more loans from World Bank, the IMF or the ADB.

“We were able to strengthen our economy because of the fiscal reforms that we adopted at such great cost to me in public disapproval. But I would rather be right than popular."

Translation: Actually all I do is borrow and borrow, and spend less in social and economic services so that it will appear that our coffer is full. And thanks to the remittances of our OFWs, our economy is still alive! And also, this situation provides me with an nice alibi for my very low public approval rating – because of unpopular “fiscal reforms”! Naks!

“I stand in the way of no one's ambition. I only ask that no one stand in the way of the people's well being and the nation's progress.”

Translation: As I always say anybody against me or my policies will be considered as standing “in the way of the people's well being and the nation's progress”. Is that clear?!

(Send your comments and reactions to ianseruelo@gmail.com.)